A Dan & Scott Glossary

You demand an explanation!

To fully enjoy some of the bits Dan & Scott do on the show, you may require some background info. Here is a PARTIAL list of segments from the show along with descriptions of each to get you caught up to speed. (Note: "P" means that winners win points).

SCOTT FREE ON HOLD: This bit COULD NOT be done on traditional radio. It's just too #%$&ing dirty. Adults only. This is the most requested bit D&S do. Dan calls local businesses and doesn't tell them they are on the air. He starts asking just plain, everyday type of questions i.e.: how late are you open, do you have product X etc. Dan then says "Shit, I'm the only one here at work, can I put you on hold?" Of course, he doesn't really put the person on hold--they play a tape that SOUNDS like the person is on hold. On the tape is Scott pretending to be a typical Top 40 DJ. His name is Scott Free and he works at a fictional radio station called Magic 105. But, there is one difference--Scott is trying to be as offensive as you could imagine. It's our little experiment to see if society as a whole is burnt out on the white noise of background music, music on hold, etc. Give it a listen, YOU WILL LOVE IT!

THE DON WEST GAME: Join Dan & Scott as they find out what happens when Don West--that screaming guy who sells baseball cards in the middle of the night on the Shop at Home Network--calls random people out of the blue to see if they want to go out. Here's the catch: Don isn't actually talking, though. These are Don's soundbytes that Scott has effectively pulled for us to play the game. How long can someone talk to soundbytes of Don? You'd be surprised!

THE DAVID HIESEL GAME: Very similar to The Don West Game, except this time The Boys use the voice of "a friend of a friend". This is a classic D&S bit.

THIS ISN'T PHONE SEX YOU DUMB F**K!: The Freaks trick idiot guys to call in and have phone sex with a hot female while, unknowingly, the world listens. The listeners change their names to sound like "hot, horny girls" in chat-rooms all over the Internet. Pretty soon guys start private messaging them for phone sex and they give out their "home" number (which is actually our studio line). When these dorks call in, we patch them through to one of our female listeners who precedes to have phone sex with them. Over the course of their conversation, she makes them do embarrassing things (i.e. hitting their penis on the phone, singing the Star Spangled Banner)--and when it's most embarrasing, we break in with lasers and sound effects and "This Isn't Phone Sex, You Dumb F***!" This is our second most requested bit.

HERE BESSY...: Dan calls butcher shops to see if they will sell him a cow's heart for masturbatory purposes. This is based on a true story about a kid who electrocuted himself after he tried to mate with a cow's heart that was hooked up to an electrical current. This bit, fortunately, doesn't lead to death, as in the true story.

SCURVY: Dr's. Bohrnamiearien and Stooldrip (Dan and Scott) call the elderly to see if they ate fruit! Their mission: to educate the elderly about the dangers of scurvy and the importance of vitamin C. It's just one of many of our public service messages. (P)

THE OL' BLOWN NIPPLE PRANK!: Dan calls tire repair stores to see if they will help him repair the nipple of his love doll.

XXX FILES: Join The Boys to mess around with the usual UFO, Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, Ghost and Vampire loving nuts! In this segment Dan & Scott pretend that they are real talk-show hosts. They do an "Art Bell" type of show (paranormal, unexplained topics). Everything you hear, except for the guest, is 100% fake. The listeners call in and ask rude or obscene questions, as do Dan and Scott, and poor little Amy the call screener usually ends up fired or quits. This is a very interactive segment. The calls from the Freaks are what puts this bit over the top.

PASS THE SLIVOVICH! - IT'S DRUNK OF THE WEEK!: Time to find the drunkest person in the country to talk about the issues YOU really care about!

ASSWORD: Play our dirty version of the popular TV game show from the 70's. (See aditional terms below that are used in the game) (P)

RUMOR MILL: Dan and Scott spread rumors about celebrities by targeting one entire small town at a time.

TRUCKER BUDDY PROGRAM: Dan plays "Harry Nutsack," a Furbee delivering truck driver in search of a shower and a good time with the "lot lizards." Harry had a "particular testicular" removed due to cancer, and he now needs help changing the dressing. He calls truck stops all across America to see if anyone can help him out.

MILT THE PRIVATE DICK: Test your investigative skills and listen to Milt's mystery to try to figure out who committed the crime. Can you solve the mystery? (P)

OH, YOU'RE SH***ING ME!: Either Dan, Scott or Amy are lying. It's your job to figure out which one of them is telling the truth. (P)

OH NO, MY PENIS IS CAUGHT!: Dan tries to convince plumbers that his penis is caught in a bathtub drain and that he needs help getting it un-stuck.

TAKE MILT'S DIRTY POLL: Join Milt as he asks participants survey questions that are sure to make you sick--and perhaps even laugh. (P)

NAIL AMY: Your chance to NAIL Amy when you go one on one with her in a musical showdown! (P)

THE 7-11 GAME: Kumar needed some clamidia soup and tampons for the wife, so he called up 7-11's to find out how much change he had to bring in, to purchase, to take home these items. (P)

F**K IT!: Lance Manload hates his job. He would rather work at The Game Show Network. In light of that, he hopes that this game will serve as his audition. (P)

ASK SATAN: The Dark Lord stops by to answer grim questions from the audience and push any evil "projects" he may be working on.

KUMAR HAVING PHONE SEX: Our Indian friend, Kumar, has been very lonely lately so has turned to phone sex operators for companionship. Can he get phone sex his way?

DON'T LOSE YOUR LUNCH: The Boys give away FREE lunch from McDonalds. All you need to do is answer a few SIMPLE questions.

AMERICA'S GOING TO POT: Dan and Scott explore the world of drugs

Additional Terms

ARABIAN GOGGLES: /a-RA-be-an GAU-gals/ 1.n. Eyeglasses originating from the Middle Eastern region of the world; specially designed with hooded sides to protect the desert camel driver in extreme sand and wind storms common to the area. 2. n. A seldom-seen maneuver involving the testicles where the satchel is spread wide and placed on the face of the "ride", thus resting the balls in said gogglee's eye sockets.

BEEF CURTAIN: /BEEF kurtun/ 1. n. A temperature barrier to protect a meat locker from harmful heat and bacteria. 2. The skanked-out remains of the labia after being stretched like play-doh from an hour of jammy-jam (see also BEEF DRAPES and MEAT TARP).

CAJUN HOT STICK: /cage-in hot sti-ck/ 1. n. A spicy meat stick. 2. n. The act in which the cock is taken out of her pooper (see also CAJUN LOG) and slathered in the pool of dip spit in the small of her back and then re-inserted.

CHRISTMAS TURKEY CARVER: 1. n. A large, straight knife used to slice a cooked bird before consumption. 2. n. The person doing the carving. 3. n. The act of sitting carefully behind your prone partner, inserting three fingers in her vagina, one in her ass, and voraciously pumping your digits in and out, maintaining a perfect L-bend at the elbow, and using only your rotator cuff as a power pivot. (see also SHOCKER and MACHINE GUN KELLEY). 4. n. The person doing the carving. (see RON JEREMY)

CLEVELAND STEAMER: /KLEEV-lund STEE-mrhh/ 1. n. A water-based merchant cargo vessel originating from a large Ohioan city near Lake Erie. 2. n. (slang) The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while receiving penal (that is, penis) pleasure from friction between the mummeries. (see HAWAIIAN MUSCLE FUCK and PASADENA MUDSLIDE)

DAVEY CROCKETT: /da-VE krok-et/ 1. pn. American folk hero of note, known as the king of the wild frontier, and recognized by his raccoon skin cap. Renowned for killing a bear when he was only three. 2. n. A sexual maneuver in which you slip a muscle relaxer into your partner's snizzpod, and slide your head in, thus wearing your partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap.

DIRTY SANCHEZ: /dur-TEE SAN-chez/ 1. n. a filthy hair-lipped Mexican peasant. 2. n. The act of fingering a chick's cornhole, and wiping the remaining detritus on her upper lip while screwing her from behind, thus leaving a trail of shite mustached across her visage.

DOUBLE WISHBONE: /dub-el wish-BON/ 1.n. An advanced shock-absorbency suspension system design found in most modern automobiles. 2.n. The play in which, while in seated 69 position, the man inserts both index fingers into the vagina and both middle fingers into the anus followed by aggressively pulling outwards with both arms. Spitting in anus, while optional, is encouraged for future maneuvers.

DUTCH OVEN: /duh-shovin/ 1. n. a cast-iron kettle with a tight cover that is used for baking in an open fire. 2. n. entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass-odor by farting under the covers and pulling them up over her head (and yours as well if your into it.)

DUTCH TREAT: /dush-treet/ 1. n. a meal or other entertainment for which each person pays his own way. 2. n. the unexpected result of a dutch oven gone bad. (see also "GAMBLING and LOSING") BEEF

GLAZED DONUT: /glaz-d DO-nut/ 1.n. a sugar coated baked pastry characterized by its round shape and puckered hole in the middle. 2. n. The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spooing all over her pastry buns, thus transforming her rump into the illusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

GREEK: /gr-ek/ 1. n. A man or woman that was born in Greece. 2. v.The act of using your glue stick (if you know what I'm saying) and gluing your said partner's eyes closed. i.e. "Hey guys, check it out, "I greeked her" or "I'm sorry honey, but you asked for the "Greek salad".

HIGH DIVE: /hi-div/ 1. n. Act of jumping out of a plane and free falling toward earth at nearly 200 mph. 2. The skill of pulling your johnson all the way out of your partners hole, and in one motion, swiftly jamming it home again. Best used in Corn Hole technique, but dangerous.

HOT KARL: n. 1. A German man who just happens to be warm at the moment. n. 2. The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the man who was just balls deep in her can. (see also CORN HOLE)

HOT KARL CANDY CANE: n. 1. A variation of the aforementioned in which the man who is receiving oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around. (See also SHOCKER)

HOT LUNCH: 1.n. Any of a myriad of well-balanced and pre-prepared meals, delivered warm to the children at lunch time in the school cafeteria. 2. n. The result of defecating directly into your partner's mouth.

KENNEBUNKPORT SURPRISE: /ke-ne-bunk-port SU-pris/ 1.n. An unexpected gift from the Atlantic coast of Maine. 2.n. The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New England Clam Chowder and screaming in disgust as you release it between your partner's legs while chowing box.

MANROE TRANSFER: /MAN-ro trans-fur/ 1.n. Any sort of exchange made in a quaint Connecticut town. 2. n. Any purchase of drugs at a McDonalds drive-thru window in said quaint Connecticut town. 3.n. The act when the woman's back and the bed are perpendicular but she is upside down (see SAMOAN PILE DRIVER), back-to-back with the right-side-up standing man. Through careful anal-orifice matching techniques, the man craps directly into the woman's upside-down pooper.

NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK: /nu jer-ZE mEt-huk/ 1.n. Any of a breed of rusty, sharp east-coast ceiling hooks used to hang beef sides in a meat locker. 2.n. The act of inserting your finger into the ass of your partner, and while screwing her from behind, using only your arm muscles to control the consummation rhythm and process. This method requires excellent restraint and posture; hunchbacking or bending at the waist is never permitted. (see OVEN STUFFER ROASTER)

OVEN STUFFER ROASTER: 1. n. Type of chicken that is usually seasoned and baked for an extended period. 2. n. The unusual method of inserting your finger in the ass of your partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This procedure is more effective from behind (see NEW JERSEY MEATHOOK).

PASADENA MUDSLIDE: /pa-sa-dE-na MUD-slid/ 1.n. A massive erosion event caused by the combination of steep slopes and torrential rain in the San Fernando Valley of Southern California. 2.n. The act of leaving a windy shit between the breasts of a woman while you straddle her neck for a blow job. A close cousin to the CLEVELAND STEAMER.

PAYING THE RENT: 1.n. A regularly scheduled exchange of equity for the right to reside on another's piece of real property. 2n. A sexual position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above shoulders, with the man holding the back of her calves and banging ferociously.

RIM: /RIM/ 1. n. the outer often curved or circular edge of something. 2. the outer often wrinkled and dark brown edge of the shit shoot. 3. v. (ing) the art of exploring this prune-like orifice with your tongue (see also "ANAL TONGUE DARTS")

SAMOAN PILE DRIVER: /suh-MOan Pyl-dryver/ 1. n. A virility dance practiced throughout Samoan tribes in the Ganges River Basin. 2.n. A large crane-like machine used to extract diamonds from the Samoan Diamond Mines of Carnutspa. 3. n. A sexual position that occurs when the woman's back and the bed are perpendicular but she is upside down (See also FLOAT VALVE). The practitioner of the Pile Driver stands above the woman and points his shit due south, simply bending his knees for repeated bludgeoning. This process is repeated while screaming, "Abdaay....goony,goony,goony...ABDAY. ABDAY. ABDAY. HA!" Repeat and rinse.

SCABBY D: /skab-E DE/ 1.n. a rapper from Des Moines with a bizarre speech impediment. 2. n. The unfortunate occurrence for a male due to a practice of dry fucking in blue jeans sans undergarments. One of the most feared of all sexual accidents.

SHOP-VAC: /shop vak/ 1. n. An industrial vacuum cleaner able to pick up large quantities of material and liquids. 2. Sexual equivalent. The act of making a girl inhale your hog from behind while you're "pulling the V" (see FRUIT BASKET, SILENCE OF THE LAMBS).

TEA-BAG: /tee bagg/ 1.n. A sack like structure containing flavored leaves that is attached to a string and dangled in water to give it flavor. 2.n. A sack like structure containing my fat balls that is attached to my massive unit and is stuffed into the mouths of young girls to make them make a "wamuphm" like noise. 3.v tea-bag(ing) the act of stuffing them with the sack filled with my fat balls.

THE MOOSE: 1. n. An elk-like animal found mostly in the north woods of Wisconsin and areas of Canada. 2. n. The sign given to a kickee when in doggie style. It is performed by placing both hands over your head with palms facing out and waving your fingers wildly.

THE NIXON: 1. n. An American President who was forced to resign in 1973 amidst allegations of campaign fraud. 2. n. A variation of THE MOOSE in which you give two peace signs as your indication of dominance. (Optional: You may yell "I'm not a crook" This is considered a very bold rendition and is very rarely done.)

TOPEKA DESTROYER: / TOE-pek-a d'stroi-yrr/ 1. n. An ironclad American warship fabricated in the poorly placed shipyards of Central Kansas. 2. n. The act of vomiting directly onto your partner's head while receiving fellatio. (See COLD LUNCH)

VEGETARIAN HOT LUNCH: 1. n. A variation of the above for students who are inclined not to eat animal products. 2. n. A variation upon the aforementioned meal in which the diner stretches a piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for texture) is possible, but no actual contact with animal product occurs. (see DENTAL DAM)